This is a note to myself that I hope I read every single day of my life from now on.
Dear Andrew,
Never ever do anything that will make you sick in any way again. You have had a cold for the last 2 days and you are a hollow shell of a human being. Lying in bed most of the day, blowing your nose constantly, drinking 8 cans of pop in a 12 hour period, this is all your personal hell. Remember when you used to never get sick? Well don't remember that anymore. You got old, fat and weak and those days are over. You are not a man and you obviously cannot deal with any sort of physical discomfort if a sore throat and runny nose are all it takes to turn you into a miserable wreck. You have not been able to sleep all night and having to lie there watching Star Trek, Knight Rider and Married with Children has driven you so, so crazy. Also not being able to get a certain Redd Kross song (Visionary Soul) out of your head for about 3 hours is driving you really fucking insane. I am describing this with as much detail as I can so that you might read this in the future and remember that being sick is the worst thing ever in the world and you will wear a scarf and toque outside anytime you leave your place between september and may. If you even start to get a slightly sore throat, you will drink a glass of orange juice every 20 minutes and get in bed until you're better.
Okay, well I have to go to the washroom now, apparently it's been 10 minutes already, so I'll just leave you with this: You are a baby and you're not going to change, so never ever get sick again.
Your friend in self-loathing,
Andrew
p.s. pray to god you don't ever actually get hurt or sick somehow in a way more painful than a bad cold, that would get messy fast.
p.p.s. this probably wouldn't happen if you wouldn't be such a baby about your sweet ass and get a colonic.
4:46 a.m. - Sept. 26, 2002